When we first starting going together, my husband always told me I
was the most important thing in his life and he couldn’t live without
me. And blah, blah, blah. How married life changes a relationship. I’m
no longer Number 1 on his hit parade.
If there was another woman in the picture, I could buy a black lace thong
if they make them in extra-large. But at this point, frankly, that could have
the opposite effect. Cooking a good meal would probably work better, but
I don’t feel like making that sacrifice. Whatever I try, I know my competition is impossible to compete with.
How does a wife compete with a screen and a keyboard that enriches her
husband’s life via WiFi, email, texting, zoom, Skype, Linked-in, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok and the next new app?
Technology is ruining my marriage. There’s always something new and I’m
not. Always something more exciting than me going on. News, sports, movies, concerts, documentaries, porn.
Technology used to be a pressure cooker. Now it’s everything. If I ever doubted how much things have changed, all I have to is look in the mirror.
People used to need 5 essential things to survive: oxygen, water, nutrition, shelter, and a working nervous system. Now they need a 6th thing: WiFi.
I wonder if my husband could survive without his iphone. Take a Friday a while ago, for example. My husband’s iphone needed to be charged but we lost our electricity. Then we lost the internet and WiFi. I thought I’d have to take him to the Emergency Room.
I thought of the movie “Cast Away.” Tom Hanks stuck on a desert island with only a volleyball was surviving better than my husband.
How could he find the answers to the New York Times Crossword Puzzle?
How could he read the reviews of a concert he didn’t attend?
Ho could he order the shirt on the one-day sale from L.L. Bean?
How could he call the doctor about his itch?
How could he email his guy pal and complain about life?
How could he text the plumber about an outrageous bill?
How could he get the results from the Lab about his blood test?
What if he has a fatal disease?
What if someone he hadn’t spoken to since high school was
trying to text him? He might think he was dead if he didn’t get
an answer.
What if it was his old girlfriend texting?
What if Publisher’s Clearing House was calling to tell him he won?
What if he was never again able to ask Siri another question?
And when he thought about what would happen to his stocks, he
started to sob.
Technology is not without problems. What if you don’t have grandchildren
to show you how things work?
And since nobody has to remember anything anymore because hi-tech
devises remember everything, everybody is losing brain cells. Even me.
I can’t remember ANYTHNG! Take that sunny afternoon when a car crashed into my car, for example. Air bags exploded. Windows shattered. Doors wouldn’t open. I felt like road kill. Worst of all, my new black skirt from Saks, first time worn, ripped. Police. Ambulance. Hospital. Call my husband. Call someone. Can’t call anyone. My cell phone with everybody’s telephone number was still in my car. The only telephone number I could think of was Rhinelander 4-8096, my telephone number when I was in high school.
I don’t have to remember anything anymore. What used to be just a telephone can now remember everything. It’s so smart I wish it could have taken my high school Regents exams and my SATs. It would have known what Vasco da Gama discovered, everything about the French Revolution, the square root of 95, and, at long last, the translation of that important Latin phrase
“Te futueo et caballum tuum.”
My husband never pays attention to me anymore. He’s too busy cohabitating with new apps. But I’ll never give up trying to compete with everything he can find on the internet, everything that is, except the porn.
You’re just a button click away and I’d love to hear from you.
About your world, your family, your joys and frustrations, growing up, growing older, even recipes– even though I stopped cooking–by request–years ago.
Goodbye until next time…
Hope your day turns out as well as I hope (but doubt) mine will,
Gingy (Ilene)
So true! I don’t remember phone numbers and I can no longer spell; I no longer need to, but it’s kind of a shame. Electronic appliances are my husbands dream come true, he’s never seen a button he doesn’t want to push. Loved this months writing. Thanks.
I agree with Arlyne. Twice! Ha ha!
Love the notion of going to the emergency room when the power’s out!
I guess we all adapt to those things we can’t change (and the people who WON’T change).
I’m always interested in those young couples sitting at a restaurant together (outdoors these days), each on his and her phone. They’re clearly prepared for their future in a room together but not connected with each other. It’s the grownup version of parallel play, when we took our toddlers to play-dates. Whatever works!
xxx
Hi Gingy
I laughed so hard when I read your description of all the new technologies. I need my grandchildren to show me how to use them. Then I forget how to do it and need to send them an email on how to do it again. It takes time before I remember how all those APS work. I guess I am getting older….ho hum.
I have decided that all my tech devices, internet devices, etc. get together in the middle of the night and have fun thinking up little tweeks that will make my life miserable when morning comes.
What a great column, so funny and true. I remember nothing also. Phone numbers, directions, recipes. Remember when we had to use maps to get anywhere? And cookbooks. Life is richer with the web, but for a price. What would happen without it, for real.
Thanks for you, love you.
XX
It’s just not our world anymore!
Thanks for providing yet another gem of a blog post. 🙂
You always make me smile.
He doesn’t need you except for the food you cook the clothes you wash and the smile you put on his face when he sees you
You both need to pull the plugs n smoke a joint.
You both need to pull the plug n smoke a joint.
Hi Ilene,
Another gem!!! I am laughing. I am relating. I am touched(we know, we know).
I am thrilled to be your friend.
Lotsa Love, Nancy
Gingy,
Kudos…You hit the nail on the head! And I fear there is no end in sight. The silver lining? Time to read, write, do my nails, and starch his underwear. What? Did I hear someone say “wine?” Say it again!!!
Brilliant! Love it! Humor at its best.
Thank you Gingy for another funny piece. I always love to see what you reflect back to us about real life. LOL
Take care and hope you are safe and warm on this frigid day!
Too true! Once my husband slapped that Apple watch band on his wrist, I can barely get his attention. I, too, will not resort to black lace anything because of a similar outcome. Good luck in your competition!
LOL — as they say in the cyber world.
BTW the only thing your fancy quote needs is the Latin for “and the caballus you rode in on.” Once upon a time I could have told you how that would go. Now I don’t remember. It’s a long time since Catholic high school.
Gmail tells me I’ve got 43 emails. Gotta go.
/m/
Once again, you hit it out of the park. Entirely too funny and too true – especially the memory business. Years ago, I had a seizure in reaction to dye for an MRI. I’d left my phone and address book etc. in the car. I was supposed to meet someone in front of my Clinton house to go to dinner in Philly for Rush Holt. The only number I could remember was Maggie and Ed’s. The ambulance guys were kind enough to wheel me to the phone so I could call. Ed met the woman at my house and told my husband. I had a great (my first) ambulance ride to RWJ with two hysterical guys who made me laugh the whole ride.
These days my partner and I can have an entire conversation without a proper noun as long as we both know the subject!
Your column brightens these Covid weary days.