Some people say they learned everything about life in kindergarten.
Some people say they learned everything about life from their dog.
I learned everything about life from the movies.

My Aunt Babbie took me to the movies every Saturday afternoon in the
1940s, even if the sun was shining. That’s where I first learned about life
and being a woman like Lana Turner.

A woman had to be beautiful. A woman wore evening gowns to eat dinner (supper) even in her own house. A woman was glamorous even when she
woke up in the morning. A women had perfect hair that didn’t move. A woman always wore bright red lipstick that never smudged. A woman smoked, drank champagne, and went to nightclubs. A woman didn’t have to be smart to catch a rich old husband or a handsome guy. It was better if a woman just shut up and had a come hither look in her eyes.

It was hard to be like Lana Turner when I was 10 years old but I had hopes.

I stopped hoping to be like Lana Turner when Lana’s daughter stabbed Lana’s lover Johnny Stompanato with a butcher knife and killed him dead. But I loved Lana’s clothes. I wondered what she wore when she found out her daughter was a murderer.

When I was a teenager, I learned three things about life from Natalie Wood. She was a teen like me.

1. From Rebel Without a Cause: Never fall in love with a disillusioned, angry, middle-class teenager carrying a switchblade even if he is as good looking as James Dean.  
2. From Splendor in the Grass: Never fall in love with a farmer from Kansas, even if it’s Warren Beatty.
3. From Margerie Morningstar: Never fall in love with anyone who’s more
   in love with themselves than you, even if it’s Gene Kelly.

I never wanted to be like most of the mothers in the movies. Mickey Rooney’s mother in the 15 Andy Hardy movies had the worst clothes. They’d never attract a rich old man or anybody handsome. You wouldn’t want to wear ANYTHING in Andy Hardy’s mother’s closet and she never set a foot in a nightclub.

Joan Crawford played a mother in the movie Mildred Pierce. She was much better-looking than Andy Hardy’s mother even though she worked her fingers to the bone for her bratty tramp daughter Veda who was having an affair with Zachary Scott, her stepfather and also Mildred’s husband who Veda eventually killed in the movie.

Mildred Pierce’s daughter had to go to jail. Lana Turner’s daughter, a murderer in real life, didn’t because she wasn’t a bratty tramp but a nice girl. So here’s another important life lesson: Be a nice daughter if you’re going to kill your stepfather.

Believe it or not, in 1785, the poet William Cowper wrote “Variety is the spice of life.” Lana Turner must have really believed him. She was married eight times.  Liza Minelli thought life was a cabaret and spent so much time in a cabaret that she only had four husbands.

Singers have different opinions about life. Annie thinks “It’s a Hard Knock Life” but how hard could it be if her movie alone grossed over $139,829,625 so far.

Stevie Wonder sang “You are the sunshine of my Life” but I don’t think he meant me.

“Life is just s bowl of cherries” to Hoagy Carmichael but my life is often the pits.

I’m glad Jennifer “I’ve had the time of my life” Grey had the time of her life.
I wonder if that was before or after she had her nose fixed.

Debbie Boone “You light up my life” should light up her own life.

And Kelly Clarkson “My life would suck without you” should get a life.

If “Life is Hard” for Bob Dylan, he has no idea how life is for the rest of us.

And of course Kanye West has a “Hell of a Life.” He’s Kanye West.

When Dusty Springfield asked, “What are you doing the rest of your life?”
I hope Billy Joel told her to shut up, “This is my life,” and it’s none of your business.

I didn’t learn much about real life from movies or from anyone, actually.
Nobody knows about anybody else’s life. Yet five people on the Supreme
Court think they do.

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