Everybody tells you “You should exercise.” My doctors,
the Janes (Brody of The New York Times, Fonda of the
best cosmetic surgery). (My dentist tells me to floss.)

My husband tells me when he’s going up and down the
stairs in our house looking for something very important
but he can’t remember what, as he complains about not
being able to use the Stairmaster machine at the gym
because of Covid-19 quarantine.

I go up and down the stairs all day. I do not need to go to
a gym to walk on stairs or steps or whatever they’re called.

I walk my dog three times a day. I do not need to go to a
gym to walk on a treadmill. I like the smell of fresh air
not the smell of fresh sweat.

I go to Costco and buy bottles of Kirkland water, Diet Coke,
and Snapple. I do not have to go to a gym to lift weights.

I make sure that I always have six jars of Rao’s spaghetti
sauce. The tall jars only fit on a top shelf. I like spaghetti.
I do not have to go to a gym to stretch.

I grew up in Manhattan. I never learned to ride a bicycle. I tried
once. Despite Jacqueline Susann’s book “Once is Not Enough,”
once is enough. I will never try again. Even if a bicycle doesn’t
move. I do not have to go to a gym to not get on a bicycle.

They have rowing machines at the gym but no lake. Who
dreamed up that one? If I have the urge to row I can go to
the lake in Central Park. I seldom have the urge.

Gym outfits only come in sizes 0 to small. I can only get one
arm up to my elbow and one foot up to my ankle in them. I
am never going to wear a gym outfit even on Halloween.

Survival of the fittest is only important in the gym and in the
jungle. I do not live in a jungle. But sometimes I wonder.

I figure if it’s something you don’t like, it’s good for you
and if it’s something you like, it’s bad for you.

When did exercise turn into fitness turn into
Wellness. Is Wellness better than Mindfulness

When did Gwyneth Paltrow become a Wellness
guru? What is Wellness?

Gwyneth, like Moses, will lead us to the
Promised Land of Wellness. After all, she named
her son Moses. I hope you don’t have to exercise
in Gwyneth’s Promised Land.

Gwyneth sells things.  You can get a ticket to space from
Goop for $250,000. Or you can buy a Julie Crossbody bag
from Goop for $1,790.

Gwyneth made 250 million from GOOP. If you spend
enough money on Goop, you get 45 minutes of
uninterrupted sweat.   

Here are just 5 unpleasant things about going to a gym.

1. You can get athletes feet.
2. If you swim you can be swimming in somebody’s pee.
3. Some people walk around nude in the locker room.
4. You see things you don’t want to see.
5. Men stare at young girls bending over.

I am not going to pay to go to a gym to do horrible things. I’m
not that crazy.
Yet.