Count Me In

Numbers are as vital as oxygen, food, shelter, and Spandex.

Where would Einstein be today without numbers?

Where would Beethoven be without his 5th?

How would we know when to celebrate July 4th
without the 4?

Numbers don’t lie unless you lie.

Here’s my numbers as of today (no lies)
but I expect changes (not in the husbands).

Born: 06/15/35
Children: 6 in 7 years
Grandkids: 10
Husbands: 3 (not at the same time)
Published books: 5
Off-Broadway play: 1
Way-Off Broadway plays (Southampton): 2
Height: used to be 5’7 ½” now 5’6”
Weight: 160-164 depending
Dress size: 14
Shoe: 9 ½-10 depending
Bra: I’d rather not

That’s a lot of numbers. Too much information.
I’ll be sorry tomorrow. Actually, I’m already sorry.

If I were reading that about somebody I didn’t know,
I’d make an instant judgement about that person.

“Why is that old lady telling us all that stuff. Who
cares. She’s just showing off that she got something
published. Her feet are too big and she should lose
20 pounds. By the way, what happened to those
husbands? Bet they faked death after living with
her.”

My best friend Dora always said I was too judgmental.
But I told her I grew up in New York—East side,
midtown Manhattan. What did she expect?

The other night I couldn’t sleep. I thought about
counting sheep but that never worked for me.
I thought about counting my blessings but that only
makes me worry that something bad will happen.

That’s when I started thinking about numbers. By
dawn, it dawned on me. Something that would make
Einstein green as a pickle with envy:

You can count with numbers
but you can’t count on them.

 

Because numbers keep changing. Like my weight
and my blood pressure which keep going up. And my
income which keeps going down.

Hey, I was already on my second husband when the American flag had only 48 stars.

Poll numbers keep changing—Mayor Pete in control, Biden’s lost control, Sanders is finally in control
of his hair.

Stock market numbers change every minute, just
like my husband’s mood when he’s watching CNBC.

The value of a dollar changes every day depending on…
but my final grade in economics was 62. Economics
never made sense to me. Don’t ask me anything about
exchange rates.

But I do know about exchanges. You can exchange or
return anything at Kohl’s anytime. I returned a toaster
I bought there 1 ½ years later. A bagel got stuck in it.
I exchanged the toaster for a new one. And I gave up
bagels for English Muffins. For a week.

Come to think of it, I have a black skirt I bought at
Kohl’s 5 years ago. Doesn’t fit me anymore. I wonder….

There used to be 9 planets but that changed. Now
there are only 8. Poor Pluto, it’s been dwarfed.

There are 7 continents but with global warming, who
knows, that might change. We might lose Africa one
of these millennium’s.

Some people don’t worry about numbers. Like the
actress dame Dame Joan Collins.

“I don’t look my age, I don’t feel my age,
and I don’t act my age. To me age is
just a number.”   -Joan Collins

Joan, honey, get real. You’re 86 years old.

But I wonder if I’m like Rain Man and have that mental
disorder arithmomania, about people obsessed with counting.

I count how many shrimp I get in my shrimp scampi when we eat out; I count how many Jeep Wranglers I
see on the road when I’m driving because I drive one;
and I count how many pages I have left to read in a
book I don’t want to finish but feel guilty if I don’t.

And I will count how many likes I’ll get on Facebook.

You’re just a button click away and I’d love
to hear from you.

About your world, your family, your joys and frustrations, growing up, growing older, even recipes– even though I stopped cooking–by request–years ago.

Goodbye until next time…

Hope your day turns out
as well as I hope
(but doubt) mine will,

Gingy (Ilene)

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