Barbra, I’m here to help you.
You still sing good! You’re a great songwriter, a
successful author, a movie superstar, a terrific
director, sold 72 million albums, awarded a
Grammy, an Emmy, an Oscar, and a Tony, support
civil rights foundations and philanthropic causes,
and got The Medal of Freedom from President
Obama…but your hair is driving me nuts.
Maybe you’re wondering who do I think I am to
find anything wrong with you, Barbra. You’re a
diva, an icon, the crème de la crème, worth $400
million and I’m from New Jersey.
But I am only telling you this for your own good.
I really care about you even though we’ve never
met. Actually, it’s much easier to care about people
you never met rather than friends and relatives
you don’t particularly like.
Your blond hair has to go. You’re 78 years old. You
can sing “The Way We Were” but you can’t be the
way you was. Only Dolly Parton can get away with
being blond in her 70s.
And your hairdo drives me batty. It’s the same as
every girl in high school—long, straight, parted in
the middle, and hanging. You graduated from Erasmus
high school in Flatbush 62 years ago.
You’re Barbra!
You’re different.
Oh, did I mention your lipstick. No good. You’re too
pale. You look blah. You need color in your face. You
should be wearing red lipstick. AOC wears red lipstick
and people who don’t even like her politics like her
lipstick. (FYI: It’s Beso—Stila’s Stay All Day Liquid Lipstick—
$22. You can afford it.)
The sad fact is men pay more attention to a looker, Barbra.
Should we blame men for women finding so many flaws
in themselves?
Maybe we should blame mothers who want their
daughters to be everything they’re not. Maybe it’s our
own fault. Why do we compare ourselves to every other
woman. Why do we buy rapid wrinkle repair
advertised by an 18-year-old model?
Women find faults in their looks like Sherlock Holmes
looking for a murderer.
I’m a woman. I have a mirror. I have flaws. I’ve been
working on them since I started reading Cosmopolitan
Magazine when I was 12. That’s when I learned that
irregular features are what make you unique.
According to Cosmo, you should dramatize them and
be proud of them.
I stopped reading Cosmo a long time ago but I’m still
working on my flaws. I wonder if I’ll ever be proud of
them.
I guess Frida Kahlo didn’t read Cosmo. She kept her
unibrow and her mustache.
Ask any woman what she’d like to change about herself
and she’ll come up with a list. What happened to her
neck and her thighs and everything in between. Her
boobs are too big or too small, ditto for her butt. Her
waist went someplace. Her upper arms wave. Her hair
is no longer her friend.
Men aren’t so hard on themselves. They don’t compare
their looks to James Bond. Ask a man what he’d like to
change about himself and he might answer his wife or
his job.
Please note, I’m not commenting on your nose.
According to Cosmo, your nose makes you unique.
Maybe you didn’t even have to sing. So keep your nose
You can also keep your clothes. They cover what
they should for a woman of your age.
I hope this is helpful, Barbra. Don’t hesitate to call
me for more advice.
You’re just a button click away and I’d love
to hear from you.
About your world, your family,
your joys
and 
frustrations, growing up, growing older, even recipes– even though I stopped cooking–by request–years ago.
Goodbye until next time…
Hope your day turns out as well as I hope(but doubt) mine will,
Gingy (Ilene)
Oh Gingy! This is one of my all-time favorites! From Barbra to our looks you
completely nailed it. You had me laughing so hard! I especially like the Egyptian cut for Babs. It makes me crazy to see friends with their hair from the 1970s.
My hair is growing out so many different colors now, ranging from silver in parts of the top to light mousey brown to dark brown with grey streaks in back. I wish it would just pick a color and stick with it. Bill wants me to keep it long while I’m longing for a bob. We’ll see.
Thank you again. xxoo
I, too, recently watched The Way We Were (again) and I was interested to see it’s ALL ABOUT THE HAIR. She has about4 different do’s in that film, probably to show the passage of time. Worth watching just for that.
Also, Ben Mankowitz on TCM reported that Robert Redford admitted that he had never watched the film! Wonder why–did he think the match was a case of mis-casting?
Whenever we played “who would be you in a movie?” I would be Barbra. Then I got a nose job. Over the last year, I let my hair go grey. I love it and can’t believe I didn’t do this years ago. Also I’m scared to go to the salon, so have been cutting it short myself. I agree with all your suggestions for Barbra. She’s too imperious to listen. She could work on her attitude a little. Also she has too many houses and too much stuff. Love you
Hahaha…this was hilarious! I’m such a Barbra/Babs fan. I just watched The Way We Were and What’s Up Doc, which was adorable. She and Ryan O’Neal were sooo cute together. And Robert Redford….omg.
Hmmmm…. I totally agree about the lipstick. Red would look fabulous. But her hair…not sure. She can’t go back to those perms. Maybe a chunky, asymmetrical bob, or a choppy, shaggy layered cut. I’m completely obsessed with hair, especially mine….it makes or breaks my day.
XO
Love this! Once again, I look forward to reading your blog every month. Though, good old Barb is before my generation, I very much enjoyed reading this and appreciate the humor greatly. “Women find faults in their looks like Sherlock Holmes looking for a murderer.” This is a wonderful analogy. I hope this starts to change over time and women flaunt all that they have and are proud. This is all so real so thank you for that. Big fan always!
Love this! Once again, I look forward to reading your blog every month. Though, good old Barb is before my generation, I very much enjoyed reading this and appreciate the humor greatly. “Women find faults in their looks like Sherlock Holmes looking for a murderer.” This is a wonderful analogy. I hope this starts to change over time and women flaunt all that they have and are proud. This is all so real so thank you for that. Big fan always!
Hi Gingy
Your blog is so funny and reading it cheers me up. We all have bodies that do not look svelte. We all have small breasts, big hips and flappy arms. However it is better to be remembered fir your kindness and empathy. Nobody will remember those physical problems but they will remember your good and kind features
I spell my first name correctly. In the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s I was always asked, “Do you spell your name like…?” I never let them finish the sentence. I knew then that I would never be famous like that other BS. My nose is not like hers but my natural blond hair gone white/light grey like old wheat is straight and dead like hers. I’m 78, like fire but my hair is going to get cut off on February 20th and I’m getting that lipstick.
My husband wanted me to grow my hair long. Recently he said that I could cut it if it was too much of a bother. He’s very diplomatic. Love your blog/newsletter.
Barbara (spelled correctly)
G,
Love this n love you!
Thanx for sharing. I’ll try that lipstick,thanx.
Love this n love you!
Dear Gingy,
Thanks for making me laugh today. I agree about Barbra’s hair. It drags her face down. I can’t wear mine down anymore either.
So good to open your email and see your post up. We can all use some humor in these days.
Hope you and all your readers are keeping well, staying safe and wearing their masks. (We no longer have to worry that that spinach salad we had for lunch will embarrass us by showing up between our teeth!)
Take care! Pam
Gingy: Another amusing post! I do love Barbra… at least her voice… and I love the short “do” she has above labeled unique. But you are absolutely right about her lipstick, straight hair, and well… so many things. Kudos on this post. My legs and hair have not been my friends for quite some time… but whaddya gonna do???
P.S. From Elisabeth
Thank you for telling me what color lipstick to wear–
and I’m still wearing it 27 years (!) later.
(I may need a consultation renewal after Covid.) xxx
You’re very nice to offer such good advice to Barbra, but I do think she deserves a lot of credit for deciding to keep the nose, back in–what was it?–1963?
“Nose jobs” were pretty common then for teenage Jewish girls whose parents were prepared to spring for one. (By the time I actually looked at my profile, it was too late for me!)
And who’s the actress from Dirty Dancing who was so cute in the film, then got her nose “fixed,” which didn’t seem to propel her career. She might’ve looked to Barbra back then for inspiration–or advice from you.
Great blog! I love “You can sing “The Way We Were” but you can’t be the
way you was.” Ain’t that the truth in our 70s. You are spot on about women
and their self-criticism. Even the sorriest men on dating web sites seem to
lack self doubt. I wish I was as thin now as I was in my younger years when I thought I was fat! Of course, I had three husbands who told me I was fat, which didn’t help. When have I ever commented on a man’s weight? It is said that comparision is the thief of joy. So true.
Thank you for another great blog.
I do so love you, Ilene. Your characterizations are always spot on. I grew up but a few blocks from Barbra, but all the talent flowed to Flatbush Ave. and not the Midwood district.
Loving all your posts.
I love it..and you
an advice column response I read years and years ago in one of those magazines you talk about. I have remembered it all this time,
Question .”.I want to look like (Sofia Loren?) but I look like Marilyn Monroe. What can I do,”
answer
“Grin and bear it”
I would love to blame covid for Barbra’s hair, but she wore it like this way before covid. Maybe some large curlers or curling iron (if you are going to iron it). The beauty parlors are open here in NYC, but I guess they aren’t in Ca.
I guess I am feeling really whiny today–or is it bitchy?
Another good point–I don’t know why our society tells women to do this to themselves and to each other. You are quite right about that. We body shame, food shame and fashion shame ourselves–and men (for the most part) don’t.
I read Cosmo in high school and college. Then I realized that I would never be a “Cosmo girl” and stopped buying it. I was so much happier (and “richer.”)
You are SO right! She certainly needs more color on her face than she has now. Maybe that would make her hair color look better on her too. What also drives me crazy are her messy ends. She needs a trim to make her hair straight at the bottom. I don’t care what type of hair you have–straight, wavy, curly, kinky–or how you style it–messy ends ruin your hairstyle. Her hair also looks like she irons it (remember those days?). If she were to try to bend it, it looks like her hair would crack off. Just don’t use Gorilla Glue spray on it.
I agree with you about her nose. Jennifer Grey had a nose job and I didn’t recognize her any more. Barbra’s nose should stay as it is.
I wish I had the “problem areas” shown in that newspaper ad. I haven’t looked so good since I gave birth to my oldest child almost 39 years ago. I have flaws, some that I’m proud of and some that I’m not. I have learned to live with them.
Dear dear Ilene, You are funnier than ever. This is a great read. About Barbara’s hair, though, I wear my hair almost exactly the same way now, pulled back a little on each side by a barette, just the way I did in high school. Have you forgotten that there’s a pandemic, and I haven’t been able to get to the hairdresser in a year? So I just brush it out and let it hang down both sides. You have to admit it’s a no-frill’s hair-do, no need to get it touched up every month (or week or day, if you are a movie actress). I’ll know the dreaded bug is gone when I can get back to my hairdresser. If she’s still there … if not maybe I’ll come over to you and you can give it a trim?
I would like to know how you discovered AOC’s brand of lipstick. You must be a genius. I mean, I know you are, but this is one more proof.
Looking forward to next month,
Love,
Styra
Dear Ginny, Right on, again! I love it!
Another gem!
Thank you again.
XXXX
Nancy