Since the news section of the New York Times is usually so depressing, I usually go straight to the obituaries.
The obits tell some facts—the when, the where, and the how.
What I want to know is the real stuff–did the recently departed cheat on their mate, who are they leaving their money to and how much, did they have face work, facts like that.
What about those memorial services? I can hardly recognize the honoree. Frequently, the eulogist never even met the eulogized yet they speak of every recently departed in glowing terms as if they were a combination of Mother Theresa and Mr. Rogers.
Too bad the recently departed never get to hear how wonderful they were.
Maybe what the recently departed would really like is the opportunity to finally tell the truth. Maybe we should all write our own eulogies– pre-dead—so we finally can settle some scores.
Better late than never to tell relatives and friends how we really feel. Why not make a video. Put it on YouTube.
Take a look at Chrystal Clear’s Memorial video.
To those of you who are here today–and probably my cousin Barbara won’t be here because she had something better to do like shopping.
I want to thank you all for being here, with the exception of my ex-husband Sid, in case he came for the children’s sake, even though he hasn’t supported them in 18 years.
I want everyone to know Sid should only drop dead and not rest in peace because I always knew that while we were married, he was screwing my yoga “friend” Liz, who I only hope had gonorrhea and gave it to Sid.
I had a very nice life, despite my mother.
My children were a blessing, at least until they were 13.
So I leave you with no regrets, a few thousand unpaid Visa bills, a fabulous silver sequined Versace gown that I bought on sale even though it had a broken zipper, which I never wore because Sid didn’t believe in taking me out to any place that cost money.
And to my one true lifelong trusted friend, my dog ZsaZsa, I await you in Heaven.
We could also write what we want on our tombstone.
Instead of the usual
Chrystal Clear
April 15, 1928 to July 4, 2018
Beloved daughter, sister,
wife, mother, and grandmother.
How about
You’re just a button click away and I’d love to hear from you.
About your world, your family, your joys and frustrations, growing up, growing older, even recipes– even though I stopped cooking–by request–years ago.
Goodbye until next time…
Hope your day turns out as well as I hope
(but doubt) mine will,
Gingy (Ilene)
Brilliant! A bit of honesty at funerals would make them a lot more interesting! Like you said, so many people reading eulogies never even met the dead person and whoever gets to write them glosses over hard truths.
When my dad died at 92 last September, I was determined to have a celebrant (not a priest) who had actually KNOWN my dad, conduct his funeral. But I wrote the entire funeral myself and at the end, when we were all at the graveside, I had the celebrant say some beautiful words that ended with asking my dad to forgive us for anything we ever did that may have hurt him and telling him we forgive him for anything he may have done to hurt us. It left me feeling peaceful in the following days, weeks and months.
When I read your other piece on how our children are critical of us, it did make me think of how critical I am about my own parents’ short comings. My dad did his very best and that’s all we can ask of anyone. I kept his eulogy light, humorous and factual but those last few words said at the graveside were the most important ones for me.
Sadly, my tombstone will probably say (in reference to a trifle-like dessert I make for funeral receptions), “She made good Goo”. Sigh.
Hi Gingy, love this blog! You are wise and also adorable. I guess I think the funeral, obit, etc are for those who are left. I’ll be dead, they can do whatever they need to do. The only thing I wish I could be there for is I’d like to see all the women who show up with casseroles for my boyfriend. My handsome, rich, newly widowed single boyfriend. My friend Bill pretended to be on the phone the whole time so he wouldn’t have to talk to all the eager single women who showed up at the funeral. Love your thoughts on the ex. Yes, May he not Rest In Peace.
Ms. Ilene “Gingy” Beckerman—-aaaH!!….such a chronicler of Wisdoms & Life’s perspectives. On the order of a Leo Rosten, though,,,,as easily it would be to have Mr. Rosten FOLLOW your name in the hall of: Life’s Lessons–Lived&Learned……& the humor in it “all”.
Et tu,,,,,might you not agree, that Don Rickels, in his “God Bless….” show endings,,,,,,,was a Heart-felt, grand Thank You to all “Ettie’s” of the World?
….in closing,,,,,an unrelated segue—-….in our last ‘meeting’ you had asked my advice on how to fasten an aspect of your wonderful ART & I had thrown in my 2cents of impart—-in the future,,,please do not hesitate to contact me as to the HOW of fastening things together…..remember….I don’t know much about arc welding.
…..to your ART&WISDOMS—-a bulwark against the lack of common-sense thinking in Today’s World…..”….full steam AHEAD!!!….damn(Life’s) the torpedoes….
…..warmest Regards,,,,,,,Phil Grofsik(Hart’s Home Repair&Preventive Maintenance)
Gingy,
Thought about this some more. I like that saying I keep seeing on FB, “No one gets out of here alive”. We all have stories about our lives, those you want to pass on write them down and put in with your important paper folder. My Mom had a quote she wanted to use when she died and she also didn’t want us to stop what we were doing no rushing home for a funeral. She paid for all her Arrangements a head of time (cremation & laid to rest next to her husband). She also wanted us all to gather at the bbeqch in NJ and say a few words. My niece made a Memory Book with photos of her and favorite sayings and card games and each member of the family got one, in Remembrance of my Mom. We played music and had favorite foods and enjoyed each other. A memorable day of a wonderful n caring and loving Mom & Grandmother. All of her things were dispersed years before she passed on. We each decided what we wanted and my mother drew pleasure seeing her china used for holiday dishes as well as her jewelry wore and favorite books and paintings used in our own homes. My mom was a simple lady who told us stories of her life whenever we asked her too. Enjoy life each day and be remembered in LOVE by those you Love. What a legacy that would be for all…who knew you & for the next generation.
Love ya,
Arlyne
Gingy, you are so wise.
yes, we should write our own obits–because who is ever seen the way we’d like to be seen. It’s just as easy for us to make stuff up as it is for someone else to make up stuff about us.
The trick is timing: if we do it too soon, there’s a chance it’ll get lost among all the stuff we’ve accumulated in the meantime. (If we do it too late….well, it’s too late.)
No one will be looking for it; they’ll be looking for the Last Will and Testament to make sure we spelled their name correctly.
I loved this blog, as have I for all the ones I have read. Your sense of humor is hysterical. Truly looking forward to your presentation for the Flemington Women’s Club on Wednesday, February 13.
I want to plan my own funeral and write my obit so I better get started I am 95 years young
I hate funerals. But I love the obits. I will really miss reading them when I’m dead.
I wish the obituaries I read had all that “good stuff”–the ones I read are boring. I’d write my own obit but I think that the people left behind would say what ever they want to say no matter what I wrote. My father always would laugh at the “fact” that people died in alphabetical order in the obits–long before Gay put up a cartoon to that effect. I didn’t publish an obit for my parents. They outlived their friends, and their surviving relatives know all about them anyway.
Amen to obits being best part of paper + reading them being like a treasure hunt! *This one made me look + this line made me smile: “Special thanks to the Tennis Channel and See’s Candies for making our mother so happy in her later years.” P.S. Comments are interesting + if you wrote book on this topic I’d buy it in heartbeat *Joann K. Phillips (NYT 11/6/18): https://m.legacy.com/obituaries/nytimes/obituary.aspx?n=&pid=190665721&referrer=0&preview=True
Love your blog. As usual I sit nodding in agreement and laughing. We really do need to get together soon. ❤️
Ilene,
I related. I laughed. I am touched by this. Reading your blog is the best way to start a day. Thank you for another gem.
Love, Nancy
I am too busy trying my best to enjoy every day that I have. I have no time to write my obit. Love ya, Phyllis
Gingy,
Interesting suggestion.
I have already written my Lifestory and taught a class to others on how important it it to write your stories down for the next generation. That’s what prompted me to write mine to my daughter n grandson, just in case I died suddenly. I keep adding to it every month.
My niece just passed away from a year long illness at 42. We will all gather at the beach in NJ to celebrate her Celebration of Life in June of this year. That is what she requested to her family before she passed. Our family gatherings at the beach were so much fun for her and all of us. We will all honor her wishes.
Thanx for sharing this topic it needs to be talked about while folks are alive and can remember.
Love you and always will,
Arlyne
I find the older I get the more I want to understand myself and be understood.
so if someone spoke I would want it to people people who had thought about
exactly who I was.
I also will leave my advice after 83 years…
“Read the Instructions”
ps i had trouble sending this and may have written 3 separate responses,
as I said read the instructions.
I like writing one’s own obit (no tombstone for me). No really knows who I am and have never seemed to really be interested in finding out without finishing my sentences for me. So, surprise, they can come to my funeral and celebrate…or not… the me they never knew!
I have a difficult time understanding why a person, especially a woman, who has died at the age of 93 has a college picture posted in her obituary. Most of her friends from that time will have passed on, so who is going to remember her with those looks? Certainly not her children, grandchildren, or most of her neighbors in the retirement home. And why do people list how they were high school valedictorians or captains of the high school basketball team? Why the need to list every country club membership? I’m waiting for a list of all of the Sunday school pins and swim team medals the deceased has acquired. The millennials will also list their participation trophies and awards.
It seems to me that these type of obituaries are a waste of money that could be given to a charity. The people who count in an individual’s life are going to know what a sterling character he or she had. A picture is fine with enough information included to identify the deceased and where and when the funeral will take place. Anything else is embarrassing.
Sorry — my computer goofed! (It has this annoying habit) I meant to say: May you not need these words for 120 years! But I think you got the idea. Love, Sally
Hi Gingi.
I laughed all the way to the cemetery. May you never not these words for 120 years!
Love, Sally