If you didn’t have something Periwinkle Blue in your closet last year, you should have. The Influencers and Stylists said Periwinkle Blue was the most important color of 2022.

What if they say Puce is the most important color of 2023? Will you buy something Puce? I don’t even know what color Puce is but I don’t like the sound of it. Puce sounds like something you’d say after you thew up.

Why do the Influencers and Stylists have so much influence? They’re not our mothers. Why are other people telling us what to wear? No wonder our Democracy is threatened.

The Influencers and Stylists are the people who dress the celebrities for the Oscars and stuff. Whatever happened to classy? Now we get Halloween hair, cleavage that should be censored, slits so high you need a bikini wax.  Can’t people who can afford Influencers and Stylists afford mirrors?

Uniforms can sometimes make sense. During the Revolutionary War if the British soldiers didn’t wear red uniforms and the Continental soldiers didn’t wear blue uniforms, how would each side know who to shoot?

I can’t wear white. I get white dirty just by looking at it. I was marred three times but never wore white. My virginity had nothing to do with not wearing white even at wedding #1. Everybody has secrets in their closet.

Doctors and nurses don’t wear white anymore. I can’t tell who anybody is in a hospital. I once asked a doctor to clean the bathroom.

People should wear whatever they want if they don’t work in a hospital or in the army.  When my husband says to me, “You’re not wearing that, are you?” I know I’m wearing the perfect outfit.

Not many people know what I know. Women over 65 need lipstick unless they play a saxophone, clarinet, or tuba. Otherwise they look too pale. It’s amazing what a little lipstick, a smile, and a wink can do.

I’ve had three husbands, six children, eight dogs, and survived fifteen Presidents. I tried influencing several of the above to varied degrees of success. Statistically my average is average.

Several years ago, I was one of the judges for People Magazine’s Best and Worst Dress List. A woman from the magazine came to my house with photos of celebrities. She wanted my opinion of their outfits. No one in my family ever asks for my opinion about anything.

I won’t detail my comments here because most of the celebrities are still alive. But Dennis Rodman in drag looked the best.

Given the fame and fortune of Influencers and Stylists, I’m considering. I could be a “Fixer.” I’m good at telling people what to do though when I tell members of my family what to do, they don’t.

As an added value I’ll fix your closet. If your closet is anything like mine, hanging in it will be your past: a dress you haven’t worn in ten years because it’s three sizes too small but you think with a little help from Weight Watchers…a designer disaster you bought at 70% off you’ll never wear… a sweater with Santa and reindeer designs your grandmother gave you for Christmas.

It’s hard to get rid of some clothes, even ones that come with sad memories. I have a dress I wore to a funeral of someone I loved. It just hangs in the back of my closet.

My closets are crowded with memories. Clothes I haven’t worn in years. How can I throw them away?

I can fix you and your closet. It’s much easier to fix somebody else than to fix myself.

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